There is so much to learn about being a show host. In a way, it's a lot like writing. You never know what's going to happen until you actually do it. At least that's the way it is for me. I like it like that though. I like knowing that things aren't always going to go just the way you plan. It happens in my stories all the time and I feel that rush of yes, it works.
There are times in life when it feels like we have learned all the lessons that can be taught. The truth is we learn every day. I have to admit I hate that. I hate knowing that everything I'm doing is so new and that I don't have a clue. I miss the days when I just sat in a little corner and wrote for myself. I still love to write...it's just so different when others are reading what you're doing.
It was like that for me today on the air. Even though I was surrounded by a sea of friends in the chat room and others who had just been where I was, I felt like I was thrown into the middle of a piranha tank and told to swim for the side as fast as I could. The unrelenting rush of excitement and joy mixed with the feelings of "oh crap what did I touch on the board.?" Don'tcha just love on the job training in front of the world? It's a trip to say the least.
I have to laugh at it though because it's a lot like being a kid. It's all so new and golden. The feelings of butterflies before a show or before I hand out the next installment of what I'm writing hasn't left me. It's a rush of excitement and nerves. It lets me know I'm still alive and I love what I'm doing. I often wonder if that day will come when I wake up and say I don't want to write. I don't want to be on the air. I wonder if the day will come and I'll wake up and all of this will have been nothing but a dream.
John, my fiance' is the most supportive person in my life. I don't understand where it comes from or what I have done to deserve that. I think my biggest fear is I'm going to wake up and he's going to say I found something real. It's been fun but there's someone else. This is not where I belong. We had a huge fight a couple weeks ago. I don't even know what it was about. For the most part we both just reached our boiling points at the same time. It has caused a lot of doubt in the scope of my own reality.
Will the day come and I'll be successful on a career level but I will lose that which is closest to my heart? At what point do you consider yourself a success? Is it the amount of money in the bank? Perhaps it's when the kids grow up and go off to college? When do I wake up and get to say, "Wow I did it!" Will I know it when it's right in front of me?
The truth is all of this is new to me. I'm on a new journey and my path is always changing. Still, at the core of it all, I'm still me. I still laugh at my children's funny antics. I still smile when John walks through the door. I love how he kisses me and the way I feel when I have good news.
When we fight I feel like it is an unrelenting rush of my dignity being stripped away and I am left naked. The thing is, it isn't what he is saying or even what we're fighting about. It's that I'm exposed to my real fears and am unable to handle it. My fight or flight kicks in and my single answer is leave. That's stupid when you think about it because there isn't a place I would want to be if he and the kids weren't there. I mean really, who would I be without my family? What would be my own personal driving force? It is in those moments where I think, "How the hell did this happen?" How did we go from laughing about the silliest things in the world to yelling and screaming over who left the lid off the tooth paste? I still don't. That part sucks. I would like to avoid another fight like that.
When everything stops being new, will I understand what is going on? When my show is going great will I have that rush? Oh and when oh when will I be published? Is all of this going to come together? If it does, will those closest to me still want to be with me? God I hope so. With everything in my life up in the air, my family is the one thing I count on the most.
I guess my last question is what's the next step in all of this? Where do I go from here?